i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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