my phone needs a breathalizer
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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