seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
