But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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