i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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