I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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