Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
