just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you traded sex for a burrito?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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