Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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