when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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