forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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