Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
