that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
