Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
being pregnant is like rehab
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
