I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
