i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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