I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
