There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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