batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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