OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
