Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
