Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
