Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
