btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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