Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.