i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?