dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize