I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
