batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
