Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
