If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
