Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
