My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
