it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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