My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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