I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
