you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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