There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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