Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
