I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i think i just lost a toe
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
