Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
