Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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