Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
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Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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