there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
