normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
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Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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