My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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