wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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