I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
