I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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