I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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