I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
