i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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