I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
